Shyness

I was incredibly shy as a child. But when I talk to strangers I have no problem communicating. This got me thinking. Does my childhood shyness have a link with my adult anxiety?

I found this article on shyness and I think I have come to the conclusion that shyness in a child could lead to problems in later life.

The article says that shyness can lead to:

• Substance abuse
• Damaging relationships
• Difficulty attaining goals
• Anxiety and depression

I can say yes to all of these.

I am a recovering alcoholic, have used drugs in the past, have a history of food disorders and can get easily addicted to just about anything, including writing blogs.

I have relationships with abusive people, people who are damaged in some way. I find relationships with “normal” steady, caring people difficult to maintain

I agree with the difficulty attaining goals issue, but only after having read the explanation. Withholding ideas and opinions and letting others take credit for any I might have is a definite yes. If I am congratulated on doing something well I will often offer up the fact that another person helped me and it was a joint effort. And I know I have anger issues. I know that I don’t always know how to express anger or annoyance and can sometimes appear to behave like a small child.

I can also agree with the causes of shyness:

• A parent or guardian who is over critical
• Over protective parenting
• Traumatic life experiences

I had over protective, critical parents. I believe they were over protective because of my illness as a child (traumatic life event).

I mentioned in a previous blog that as a child I was instructed in what to do and say and what not to do and say. I was told I didn’t want things that I thought I wanted. It was all a bit confusing. But I have recently remembered something else. If I went to see a friend, when I got home my mother would ask all sorts of questions about the family and what they were up to. I could only ever answer “I don’t know, I didn’t ask”. It continued into adulthood. If I spoke to my mum and said that I had met a friend recently she would ask lots of questions. I had usually been talking about the things my friend and I were interested in so I was still unable to answer. I realise that this made me feel as if I had failed in some way. And I suppose that somewhere in my unconscious I was nervous about what I should say to people. Because I didn’t want to let my mum down but I invariably did.

In my anxiety blog I went in to detail about my childhood illness and the physical and emotional fallout that resulted. I believe this is why my parents were a little over protective. They would tell me that I couldn’t do things, I think, in the belief that it would shield me from disappointment. But this resulted in me believing that I couldn’t do anything and that I would be dependant on other people for the rest of my life.

This is not true. I can do things. Sometimes not very well, but I am able to look after myself and look after other people. I live on my own at the moment, and I’m not looking after myself properly, I’m not looking after my flat properly. But this is not because I can’t. It is because of my current state of mind which leaves me feeling anxious and unmotivated to do practical stuff like cleaning and eating. I have moments of activity, but just now I’m in “I can’t be bothered” mode. And this is ok. For me, now, I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. Anyone who tells me otherwise will soon know that they have said the wrong thing!

So what is the answer?

The trick is to try to determine if shyness is making life difficult. Children will not be able to tell us. Having been a shy child I know that I didn’t realise that anything was wrong, and even if I had, I would never have spoken up about it.

So the responsibility is with adults. Parents, teachers, friends’ parents, anyone who regularly comes into contact with a shy child can quietly monitor their progress. I would like there to be an atmosphere where one adult can say to another “I’m a little worried about your son/daughter” without the parent getting defensive or angry that someone has dared to criticise or judge.

Parents do not see how their child behaves at school or with their friends. Teachers do not see how the child behaves at home. Parents of the child’s friends may not be aware of shyness because the child is probably relaxed and “normal” when playing. So everybody has to talk to each other openly and honestly. Then maybe something can be done to try to prevent a shy child from developing problems in later life.